It’s new trend coming to a town near you. You’re innocently sitting on a bus, staring out of a window; or sleeping; or reading a paper; and without warning you recieve a barrage of slaps and punches to the face and head. Meanwhile, your brief encounter with young, random attackers is being filmed on a mobile phone, ready to be transmitted virally amongst chuckling teens for miles around.

It’s unlikely you will notice the camera or any attackers face. In fact, so unpredictable are the attacks, you may not even register what happened. Understanding why it happened is futile, as ‘Happy Slaps’ is the epitomy of the ‘we’re-laughing-at-you’ in-joke. Brazenly undertaken, this ‘fad’ is ultimately a sadistic, RealityTV humilation game run on the whims of rowdy - and from what i’ve heard - mainly black teenage boys around London. Without discrimination, these mini-thugs attack women, children and whoever else takes their fancy.

I’m interested to see how this very disturbing new trend continues - i doubt they’re anywhere near bored with their violent game yet. Already it has been the catalyst for one of the top ‘Grime’ tunes in the past few months - Forward Riddim (Pow Pow) by Lethal Bizzle. If you’ve heard it: “A-ha!,” I hear you say. “That’s what it’s about!”.

Here’s a couple of vids if you want to understand what people are facing:

Kidnapped: This is very worrying. Then my jaw drops to the floor at the end. What ever happened to Good Samaritans?

Man Up: Man made mouse, by group of bullying children

Wake Up: What the fuck can you do about this?

Trick or Treat: WTF!!! And if you hit them back they could probably sue you.

Bitch Slap | Bitch Slap 2 | Tomato in your face: Women and Girls too.

Update 31/03/05: Removed the vids as my bandwidth was being eaten up…

A US pet cloning service has copied its first two pets - a pair of Bengal cats. Tabouli and Baba Ganoush - now 8-weeks-old - are genetically identical replicas of each other, and their donor mother.

At a cost of $50,000, the service may not be for everybody, however, on the companies website it offers DNA biopsy and storage for a few hundred dollars, just-in-case ___ happens (fill in blank with details of animal’s death.) I can imagine the hourdes of people who will clamour to have their four-legged members of the family backed-up like PC data. So that when Fido rolls over onto his back for the last time, they can simply perform an - admittedly expensive - full system recovery.

Like a PC, they may need to reinstall the SiT, sTay and feTch programs. Unfortunately though, they’ll have to erase the pre-installed as standard PissAndPooAllOverTheFloor app that has been a permanent bug in the architecture of Personal Canines. Thankfully, once all processes are complete, and any desired upgrades, such as the highly recommended KillAllIntrudersASAP Firewall, and the time-saving MailboxRetrieval software, have been installed, Fido the 2nd will run smoothly, until the next unexpected crash, accidental deletion or upgrade is required.

One things for sure, there are loads of closet zoophillia fans, who are rubbing themselves in glee at the prospect of multi multi-paw action (it won’t even class as cheating!). In this age of uncertainty, it must be comforting to know that even if your partner runs off (literally) and leaves you holding the puppies, you can create a facsimile and train it better.

This TV show is quite offensive but not at all suprising. In these times of bobsleighing morals, a gameshow in which the intended prize is fatherhood or to put it more crudely - a newborn baby - is a predictable turn of events.

Imagine the TV exec’s ideal line-up for next year’s Big Brother and the televisual madness becomes clear. In a situation where anything can be proposed as entertainment, it’s only a matter of time before our present ‘unshockable’ nature is shocked senseless by the new taboo-breakers.

I’m not going to even mention the taboos in question lest some nude, lewd, lubed-up guy-with-intent bumps into my innocent blog. I am hoping to disappoint some amateur skin-seekers with the ‘enticing’ bits in my previous sentence, although i do appreciate that digitally induced blue-balls can’t be a fun experience at all.

And he looks spooky as hell too. That is…if you believe that this guy is God.

The great I AM uses a very large font…presumably so you don’t get overwhelmed by too much nonsense per page. Thankfully it’s accompanied by some of the spookiest and cheesiest midi files i’ve ever heard. Oh…and you’ll be truly inspired by the laser effect…

Truly.

David Blunkett’s proposals are becoming increasingly worrying:

What do you give someone who’s been proved innocent after spending the best part of their life behind bars, wrongfully convicted of a crime they didn’t commit?
An apology, maybe? Counselling? Champagne? Compensation? Well, if you’re David Blunkett, the Labour Home Secretary, the choice is simple: you give them a big, fat bill for the cost of board and lodgings for the time they spent freeloading at Her Majesty’s Pleasure in British prisons.

On Tuesday, Blunkett will fight in the Royal Courts of Justice in London for the right to charge victims of miscarriages of justice more than £3000 for every year they spent in jail while wrongly convicted. The logic is that the innocent man shouldn’t have been in prison eating free porridge and sleeping for nothing under regulation grey blankets.

Complete madness. But not out of character.

Actually…I correct myself. To call Blunkett mad, is to do him a disservice…he knows precisely what he’s doing. As the blog who i pilfered this off states…”It is actually evil”

The 21st century is hastily becoming an extremely perilous a place to reside…and our ‘democratic’, ‘just’ and ‘fair’ government is one of the major culprits.

Just imagine if people could know precisely what you are thinking…

Well folks…imagine no more.

Welcome to the wonderful new world of thought interception…

By the way…didn’t i tell you not to think of the word penguin?

Hmmm….

When we’re considering an innocent life, the health of the mother is not a substantial enough justification to take the innocent life.

A Cambodian man on a motorbike road-trip with his 9-year-old nephew, used him as deposit when he found he had no money to pay for petrol. He conviced the old woman, to hold on to his nephew while he went to collect the $1.50 owed.

Nearly two years on, he still hasn’t returned. So the petrol vendor decided to keep the boy, raising him as her grandson. (I’m very curious as to what the parents of the boy said.)

Either way, i’m racking my brain trying to figure out who i know, could be exchanged for a Plymouth Prowler. Ideas anyone?

She chopped off her cheating - as if that makes it any less wrong - husband’s dick and didn’t even go to jail. I’m positive any man, who unlawfully castrated his wife - for whatever reason - would be facing many long nights in the slammer. All the gyal-dem thinking “Serves im raight doe” should imagine what it would feel like to wake up, after having their clit chopped in half, or pulled out with some pliars. Permanent reducing subsequent pleasure gained from the two-backed beast. Unnecerssary. Humiliating. Unjustifiable. Painful. Irreparable.

On a positive note…the fact the this couple originate from a place called Lam Dong makes me chuckle. Everytime he writes his address he is reminded of his…shortcomings. Poor guy.

(Oh yeah - for the record - cheating is bad too…)

Blaine expected to eat solid food.