1. julia wrote on October 20th, 2005 at 2:11 am

I still hear my mother saying my name–”Julia”. Kind of like she has something she wants to tell me, or a question she has called me with…I still have flash-thoughts of ” I should call Mom.” Followed by the disappointing thought that “Oh, yeah, she’s not really here any more.” After 3 years, I still have the desire to call her and tell her something I learned about…some piece of music I heard. Some artist who says something important to us all. I am the eldest sister. I delivered Mom’s eulogy. I am supposed to hold up and be strong. I feel like the “cool customer” Didion is “accused” of being. My mother suffered so much the last 12 years of her life, it was the only compassionate thing to do–letting her go without protest. But the judgement I feel from others–as though I did not greive enough, feel sad enough. For Christ’s sake. My baby sister cried and cried. She had taken care of Mom (and Dad) the last years of Mom’s time here. It gave me a focus, made it easier not to think about how utterly lost I felt. My older brother, who had bitter feelings towards my mother, seemed to have been absolved of his guilt, just by finally apologizing to me–of all people. I really had no idea he had that much respect for me. John Dunne died suddenly. Ms. Didion’s whole world was pulled out from beneath her. I don’t even know her…have never read her work (though Mom did) and yet I ache terribly for her. I realize everyone’s grief is a different animal and I would not presume to know her’s, but…this has pulled such a bass string in my heart…especially because of how people have judged how she has come to grieve. What right do people think they have to judge how someone else grieves, for God’s sake? I have been judged as to my grieving process by Mom’s own pastor…a person who presumably has studied the ways of God and that God’s heart…who accuses me of not feeling bad enough? At the hour of Mom’s death, I felt a very strong pulling at my umbilical area. I now feel detached from the cord that connected me to the rest of humanity. And I am not certain how to get back. Or even if I want to. I am hoping reincarnation is not real, ’cause I don’t think I want to come back here. So many roads once; now so many cul de sacs.

2. nosa wrote on October 21st, 2005 at 10:42 pm

Your story is sad to hear. It is also inspiring, as it shows how strength and weakness can co-exist for better. I’ve been told by many people about the ‘voices’ and ‘instinctive grasping for mother’ - and i always think it is a beatiful testemant to the power of maternal love.

We all hear stories about soldiers - from all cultures and eras - who’ll call for mum at their lowest moments, and there is something so special in that constant. I believe that both parents - but especially mother - live on within your psyche after they pass, and that is a very tangible guardian-angel and comforter that can guide, protect and console. The physical cord is detached, but i’m sure you can still hear your mum tell you off when you do things wrong; smile with you when you triumph; and stroke your hair when you need comfort. This is all conjecture on my part, but maybe you still hear her, because in a sense she hasn’t completely gone?

(I hope i don’t sound naive, presumptious or otherwise…you just really moved me today, and i thought i’d share what i felt. Thanks.)

3. julia wrote on October 29th, 2005 at 5:19 am

I truly appreciate your compassion. I do think that Didion’s “magical thinking” has to do with thinking that the person who has died will up and come back to the realm of the earthbound. I am on the library’s reserve list to read this book–though it may take up to 3 months to get my turn…I might just go ahead and buy it by then…I am really curious as to what she might have to say to me. I make myself feel better by thinking that my Mama has simply “graduated” to another realm. I think there may be some reference to magical realist literature, a la Gabriel Garcia Marquez or Toni Morrison. It just galls me to think that someone discounted Didion’s experience by calling her a “cool customer” when she had to deal with the practical situation of having to bury a loved one and (especially if she were the only one in her family to whom the duty fell to) all that that entailed. Whoever called her a “cool customer” must never have had to bury a close family member. Men are allowed (indeed, expected) to be practical and level headed as to the practical aspects of having to bury a family member. Are women not allowed to be practical and take care of business? Are we always expected to be absolutely emotional, and if we are not is something wrong with us? Excuse me, but Fuck that. If you are the only one in the family to do the business of burial, you have to be practical. Didion has a reputation of being a fairly no-bullshit thinker/writer. Being a cool customer is necessary if you are the only one in the family who is responsible for doing the business. I am hoping that the woman who said that about her will give her a freakin’ break. especially since she had to bury her daughter as well, soon after. god. My God.
As to My own Mother: she died 3 years ago today, 10/28. I love her. I miss her. I did not have to take care of her burial. I feel as though I should have. Life never happens the way you think it ought to. I take care of the rest of my family as best as I am able. If I were to give anyone any advice, I would say take care of what you’ve got right now, because you may not have it tomorrow. And appreciate the life that Providence provides you now….Peace and Good Night. Love, Julia